Is this your first?
A dear friend is expecting a child. She and her husband are awaiting their bundle of joy with great hope and expectation. They’ve named her, seen her picture in utero, fixed up the nursery, and shopped for clothes. This morning, she posted the question she dreads most at this point: “Is this your first?”
See, my friend, like so many of us, lost her first baby to miscarriage. No explanation, no reason – just a loss. A painful one. One she’s reminded of frequently when well-meaning strangers ask questions. How does she answer that question? ”Yes” is the easy answer, but not the most truthful; but “No” opens up a whole new can of worms.
A couple of months ago, Alan and I assisted with the funeral of a precious baby boy who had died at nearly full-term. Again, no explanations, no cause. Just heartache. Emptiness. Grief. Max is gone, and we don’t know why.
Something awoke in me during that funeral I wasn’t aware was still there. Many years ago, in the span of a year, I had two miscarriages. One was very early – we’d just taken the pregnancy test the day before I saw the signs of miscarriage. The second was 10 months later, only this time I was 13 weeks along. We’d known for about seven weeks at that point, and had begun preparations for our child. The miscarriage was quite physically painful, and it took several months for my body to recover.
It was hard. I knew it was at the time. I thought I grieved appropriately. After all, I was only 13 weeks pregnant! My baby didn’t even have a fully functioning brain, right?
In the middle of the funeral for my friends, it hit me. I. Lost. A. Child. A child. Children. Not a fetus, not the potential for a child, but a child. A person. People. Members of my family. I wept, really for the first time, for my children. The ones I’ll never hold. The ones I never got to meet.
I wonder why it is when someone loses a child who’s been born, so to speak, we are so understanding (appropriately so). We allow the grief, even encourage it. We acknowledge the lack of reasons, or answers, and when we do have reasons and answers we seem that much more comfortable with the grief.
But a woman who’s miscarried – well, it’s been a couple of months now, right? You can try again. It happens. Maybe God wanted another flower in his garden (if you ever say that in my hearing, I will hit you. Consider yourself warned). There must have been a reason. God only gives us what we can handle. Maybe there was something wrong with the baby.
Can you see the steam rising from the computer? What, God didn’t consider my abilities adequate for a special needs child? He didn’t think that child was worth bringing to full term? I couldn’t have handled it? He chose MY child for His garden, what, because He’s just that selfish and cruel?
I submit to you that we have become infected by our society to look upon a fetus as something expendable. *Gasp!* I heard it through the computer. Strong words, no? But think about it. “Well, you weren’t very far along. It’s not like you lost a real child.” (I was actually told that. It’s a testament to my strength of will that that person is still walking around today.) We’re so unclear on what we actually believe about that child that we’re uncomfortable with the grief associated with losing him or her.
Confront your belief on this matter. We in the church (especially here in the buckle of the Bible Belt) thrive on being called “Pro-Life” or “Anti-Abortion.” We’ll fight for the rights of the unborn in many, many ways. It swings our votes. Makes us write checks. Receives our righteous anger.
And yet …
And yet we haven’t yet figured out how to place miscarried children on our grid. We pat shoulders, bring a meal or two, and then expect everyone to ‘move on.’ Yeah, I know. Not you. Of course not. When was the last time you were confronted with someone who had experienced this pain, maybe many years ago, that you didn’t have a fleeting thought about how long that statute of limitations ought to run? Or maybe you were the one that miscarried, and you’ve been left with guilt about how long that pain lasted? Maybe you, like my friend, don’t quite know how to answer when asked, “Is this your first?” or “How many children do you have?”
I was in the checkout line at Target a while back, and the woman in front of me was quite obviously great with child. The cashier asked, quite innocently, “How many children does this make for you?” The woman was silent for a minute, then looked up and quietly said, “Five. I have four in heaven.” I felt the tears in my own eyes, and watched the reaction of the cashier. Her eyes got quite big, she stopped ringing up the groceries and stared for a minute before responding, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” All conversation ceased from that point on. She didn’t talk to me as she rang up my purchases, nor did she say anything beyond the perfunctory “Did you find everything ok” to the gentleman behind me. I think her grid had gotten seriously fried.
If the statistics are true – if one out of four women has lost a child before birth (I suspect the numbers are higher. These are only the ones reported), then every fourth woman you meet struggles with this kind of pain. We tend to hide it, because we “ought” to be ok with it. Right?
Wrong. Loss is loss, grief is grief. If you’re one of the 25%, give yourself permission to grieve your lost child, or children. If you’re breathing, you know someone who has miscarried. Give them room, and time, to grieve. Name your child. I don’t care if it was 30 years ago (or more). Permit yourself to think of your child as a whole person. One that represented promise, and a place in your life and family. Ask the Lord to show you your child. I did, and it was one of the most precious moments I’ve ever experienced. Admittedly one of the hardest, but one of the most healing.
Lastly, admit that you might need some healing in this area. Ask the Lord to speak to you. To speak to your grief and pain. He bore our sorrows – He knows what it feels like to lose a child. The fact that your child was in utero doesn’t lessen His compassion for you. He loves you – and your precious child.
I can say that since I’ve allowed the Lord to open up and touch those wounds I’d covered, I’ve experienced healing I didn’t think possible. I had no idea what areas of my life had been tainted by my failure to grieve and to heal.
You can experience healing. The Healer is waiting.
Wow Nancy, this is a great post. One that so many need to hear on behalf of those who have miscarried. I’m trying not to let my kids see me cry right now. Thanks for your words.
WOW, Nancy! This was good. So, good. Thank you so much for posting this … I just wish I hadn’t read it at work. Many tears …
Great words!! I too lost a baby. A little girl that the Lord named for me during the healing process. It’s very obvious that He knows them and loves them. Let the tears fall.
I was so touched by this post…tears of course came to my eyes. I really appreciate you writing about this and plan to share it with a friend who has 2 babies in heaven (from miscarriages).
Oh my gosh!! I love you, Mom!!!
Thank you for writing this. I lost two babies, within months of each other. Nobody gets it. They think I am upset for no reason and can’t understand it. I lost two children. Two children I who I pictured my life with. Unless you have been through it, you just don’t understand it. It’s a loss. People avoid you because they don’t know what to say or do.
Why aren’t miscarriages acknowledged as deaths? There were lives…
Thank you for this. I had a miscarriage earlier this year and am pregnant again. I have a 9 year old and I am often asked so this is #2 and I stop and think about it and let them know this is my 3rd child. My baby that I lost, Jonathan Noah Gonzalez, was to be born on October 28th this year. I have been ok for a couple of months now, but now that it is October…its getting harder and harder.
My family has been great letting me grieve and understanding y grief at the same time. Again thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your words…I have 6 daughters on earth, 2 daughters in Heaven & 1 son in Heaven. My losses are #7, 8 and # 10 … another statement I received was….you already have 5, you’re blessed. Then, when Jeremiah died at 14 weeks … well, you got Raychel (#9 live) ~~ be thankful. I realize that until you’ve lost a baby…you don’t truly get it. That’s why we (mommies of angels) should educate people.
A person would never tell a mama who lost a 20 yo son…”well, you have 3 others to care for…you are lucky.” Full grown, teeny tiny….no matter ~~ my babies were wanted, loved & missed greatly. <3
Nancy, THANK YOU!!! I had a miscarriage almost 5 years ago, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. I had 2 previous pregnancies with no issues at all. I was grieving so much and even got angry because it seemed my other family members quickly got over it and seemed to not be affected by it at all. After all, I was only 8 wks. It was right before Thanksgiving…the holidays were tough. I had a very dear friend that had experienced this pain numerous times. She was such a great support. She suggested I ask God for a name for our baby and to do something special like buy a Christmas ornament for it. As it turned out, on the 1 yr anniversary of our babys passing, He not only gave me a name for her, He let me see her. She was beautiful! Victoria Lorraine has a “Baby’s First Christmas” ornament the kids love to hang on our tree. God is so loving and so compassionate…He gave me a gift no one else could, and in an instant brought joy where sorrow had lived for a year.
Completely speechless! I have never miscarried, but know so many that have and my heart breaks for every single child lost. I am so grateful God gave you this talent to write boldly. Cause it sure is a blessing! Wow! I am just in awe of this post! Thank you friend…passing this on!
Hey Nancy,
Thanks for writing this! I too have walked this road, similar to your 2nd miscarriage. I attended a funeral for a friend’s baby and it was like the funeral I never had for my own. God is good and brought healing as I allowed myself to experience the pain.
Thanks friend.
Nancy, Thank you very much for writhing this. I had a misscarage a few months ago….this made me cry so hard…It has been one of the hardest things that has happened to me. I have been married for 7 years and have been trying for the last year. I know God has his had in all of it. Thank you again,
megan
Perfectly stated. Thank you.
This one hit home. Great post.
Nancy, WOW!! Thank you so much for sharing this. It is obvious that God has given you a wonderful gift that I’m sure will be of great value and help to many. Bless you!
Nancy,
Ever so true. I experienced a still birth and then about 1 1/2 years later another miscarriage in the 2nd trimester.
After my still birth I went threw about 3 weeks of raw grief, I returned to work where I was in patient care and saw recurring patients.
The comments that were made…. like the ones you mentioned uhhh!Or here’s another one…just get back to work and get busy…that’s what I did when my (fill in the blank) died. The sting of OMG you had your baby! & you’re back at work already….you had your baby…do you have pictures….who’s watching her while you’re back at work so soon??!!Oh, I didn’t mention that 4 of my closet friends had babies at the same time that they would take home. One on the same night I had Victoria.
Being the people pleaser I was at the time, …never wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, I tried my best to stuff it down. That worked for about 6months as my emotions swung privately it almost wrecked my marriage and myself as I sought things to numb the pain.
When I finally allowed grief to hit me…I looked back at the pictures that were taken that night I lost Victoria….I melted into sobs of grief that engulfed me and I started the long journey back to God,myself & my husband. That was in 1991 and 1993. We celebrate every year the children we lost and we know who’s taking care of them. It never stops the thoughts of…what would our family be like with them…what would they look like…be like??
But I do know this, there were people who did the most important thing…just allow the crying, the talking through and prayed. The few that just got into bed with me and hugged me or helped me to get dressed when I didn’t feel like getting up. Sometimes the best thing you can say to someone in a loss like this, or any loss, is nothing.
Nancy…..for the first time in 35+ years I have allowed myself to cry for the four children I lost. Your commentary was very gut wrenching and heartfelt at the same time. And I know that if it weren’t for my awesome God, that I couldn’t have emotionally survived it all.
Thank you.
I love this so much! Thank you for speaking truth straight to the heart! Well said – well written. You, my friend are an incredible writer. When are YOU gonna have a book come out?? I’m buyin’!
Hi Nancy…
Thanks for sharing this perspective. I have not yet had the joy of meeting you, but my husband Darren and I have met Alan at the Freedom Ministries training here at our new church, Crossroads, Decatur, and he is a wonderful man who clearly loves his family dearly.
I have never hesitated to share with anyone who looks at my 8-year-old boy Gabriel and asks “Is he your only one?” that I have three precious babies in heaven. That’s my reality.
Gabe happily tells friends old and new that he has three “brothers” in heaven and he looks forward to the day they will play together. Our boy knows that his older siblings will joyfully recognize him when they see him on that day, and I rejoice knowing the same. No bickering, no sibling rivalry, no parental discipline required…only perfect, unbridled love.
The pain of those 7 years of loss is not empty for me…it has shaped who I am, who my family is. It has reminded me that I don’t decide the outcome of things, my Father does. It has grounded me and given me a profound urgency about the moments I have with my Gabriel. It has taught me grace (I have heard way too many “mindless comments” by well-meaning comforters to count) and endurance (I wasn’t sure I’d try again after those painful moments of watching my hopes and dreams slip away “once again”). Most of all, it has deepened my walk with the Father, the giver of life and the sustainer of hearts.
Your words today have brought back some painful, yet important, memories. Pain is not all bad…it often reminds us how far we’ve come…and that we’re still fully alive. When I completed the final mile of my first marathon in 2006, I likened that journey to the one I began years earlier that ended in pure elation as I held my son in my arms…the pain on the road was excruciating, but the satisfaction of surviving the race, intact, was euphoric.
I love you, my three sweet ones, and when my race is run I know you’ll be there to greet me at the finish line, right behind my precious Lord for whom I take each step.
Dana Embree
Decatur, TX
love you.
This is such a great read…I love that you had the courage to write this. I did not want to know what the sex of our baby was..it was too painful, and on the heels of the death of my mother. But wouldn’t you know, the Lord gave my daughter (5 at the time) a word for me…to tell me she has a sister named Lilly and then sang me a song the Lord had given her…about a field of flowers (Avery had no idea at 5 that lillys are flowers). Thank GOD for HEAVEN!!!
Nancy, thank you so much…for your words of acknowledgement and compassion.
Both of my brothers, and my sister, each have four children. I have four children, as well. Two here…two in heaven. I so look forward to seeing their sweet faces.
I guess because I was 40 when I lost the second, I had more than one person say, “weren’t you kind of relieved?”…no. People either get this or they don’t. God bless those who do.
Thank you for this beautiful post. Missing my wee one more today, and hoping that your post will cause others to stop and think before they open their mouths to other mommy’s of angels.
Nancy,
Wow! I am sitting her typing this ready to bawl. I keep seeing areas in which I need healing. I did not even know this was an issue for me until reading your post.
To be quite honest, I didn’t even think about having miscarried a child until now. I know that I had what they called a missed abort many years ago. A missed abortion is when the embryo or fetus has died, but a miscarriage has not yet occurred. It is also referred to as delayed or missed miscarriage. Basically, the pregnancy stopped developing and a fetal heartbeat is not observed or heard. I had not been feeling well, and they were doing an ultrasound to see what was going on when they realized what was happening.
I was asked if I had a gynecologist, which I did, and was advised to take copies of the ultrasound to him immediately. I called the doctor’s office and told them that I was told I had a missed abort and needed to see him immediately. After his exam, I was put on antibiotics for a couple of days, and I was to have a suction D&C (dilation and curettage) immediately after being on antibiotics for three days. I did not know what a D&C was. I was simply told that if I did not have the ‘dead fetus’ (as they kept saying) removed it could become septic and the tissue would become infected causing infection (septicemia), and I could possibly die. I was not given a lot of choices. I did not realize that I was more than 10 weeks along. No one showed me the ultrasound or explained anything which I later found out was because I was in a critical state at that point.
I had not been trying to get pregnant. I had very sporadic periods all my life and many times missed a month. And, because of my past in trying to get pregnant, I just did not realize that I was or could be pregnant which is why I was feeling so poorly. I had no idea that D&C was a procedure also used in abortions. And, no one explained that I basically had a miscarriage that did not complete itself. However, it became obvious to me after reading your post, that I did in fact have a life living inside of me at least one time in my life. It did not hit me until I read your post that although all the medical staff and doctor never really told me everything, I was with child. I was lead to believe that this little life was never alive; however, if I was 10 weeks along and feeling the way I did, I think the baby was alive for awhile even if for a short time. This hit me like a ton of bricks falling on me as I took in what you wrote. Then God confirmed it was a little life and the tears formed and started rolling down my cheeks.
I did need to grieve for my loss because it had been a long desire of mine to have children. What really took me by surprise is what God was putting on my heart while reading this was all those times in the past that I was trying to get pregnant. I took all the drugs (clomid and parlodel), we were both tested for fertility issues, and I did all the usual stuff they suggest you do to get pregnant. Every month, I would take the home pregnancy test, and every month it came out positive. I would call the doctor’s office and exclaim, it’s positive!!! They would have me come in for an exam and draw blood to confirm the pregnancy. Every time, I would get the call a couple of days later that I was not pregnant. The happiness faded, and we tried again. It was two years before we would give up, and I was just waiting for a promise God gave me many years previous. I felt as if God was telling me that I was NOT pregnant all those other times, just the once. That put my mind at ease.
I was very confused. It didn’t make sense to me how the home test would show positive. I was even feeling pregnant, which I think was a mental thing back then. However, God seemed to be showing me that there was a little more to it. I had the laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis. That didn’t seem to help either. It was not until many years later that I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum (also known as “an embryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. This typically only happens once in a woman’s child bearing years, but it seems that it was a chronic disease for me, and I was told I would probably never be able to have children.
I know it sounds weird, but I was fine with all that because way back in junior high school God put in my heart that one day I would adopt a child. Although, I was very frustrated and confused by the whole ‘getting pregnant’ process, I knew that one day I would be a mommy no matter what. When I got the news that I would never have children physically, I had a peace about it because deep in my heart I knew God had already confirmed adoption. I thought I was fine. I never really understood all that happened back in 1994 when I was told to contact your gynecologist immediately. They did not tell me why or what was wrong. I was told my life could be in danger, and I need to have a D&C nothing more or less. I found out all the details after the fact, which may have been for my own protection. It’s a shame that I had to find out how far along I was and that it was a baby by reading my chart while waiting for my doctor. They never leave it, but this one day they did. God must have known I wondered about that day many times. So, now I sit her crying and missing the little one that has gone to be with the Father. I didn’t even realize how much this all affected me until today. Man, this post really took me back and sent me for a loop. It was my time for yet more healing. Thank you for the post. You don’t know how much it did for me today, but God certainly did/does.
Good post. I’ve been through several m/c’s as well. It is horrible. The only thing i would say, though, is to have grace for those who don’t know what to say. It is easy to turn the anger of loss outward to others. It isn’t their fault that they don’t know what to say or do. I’ve been through loss and still grapple with the words for my friends who go through this becuase, well, there are no appropriate words. No condolence. I say this because before my own losses I distinctly remember a friend who had a miscarriage. I was horribly upset for her. But, I had no frame of reference. I’m sure i said all the dumb things to her. But, i can attest that my heart was upset for her – I just didn’t know. It is the same for others. It is probably best to nicely let others know what we do need from them. Be happy that they care. Be happy that they Don’t know what to say because that just means they haven’t had to walk through it.
Blessings to all of you and may the Lord continue to heal the wounds of loss.
I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this, I have a blog chronicling my walk through my miscarriages and you inspired me to write a new post. Had to quote parts of your post, you said it SO well. (I linked back to you)
http://holdingontothebrightspots.blogspot.com/2010/10/maybe-if-we-talked.html
What amazing timing, did you know that today is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss remembrance and Awareness day?
Woa…good!
Thank you for such an honest look at something so many of us have faced.
After experiencing a similar loss last winter, I was shocked to discover from blogging openly about it that I know dozens of women who have miscarried and/or had children stillborn.
In my case, even though my body continued to behave as though pregnant for 14 weeks, the ovum never developed (a ‘blighted ovum’)–and so it was explained to me that in a physical sense there was never even a fetus. But in my heart, from the moment the test exclaimed “Pregnant!” there was already a downy-haired newborn to snuggle, a playmate for my toddler to giggle with, and thousands of laughs and smiles and memories…and love.
There was great comfort in the flood of e-mails that I received and I will always be thankful to those women who reached out in a hundred different ways to let me know I was not alone. Something about discovering a shared sense of sorrow made it easier to find a way to grieve my own loss – legitimized it, in a sense. The honesty in your post has clearly done the same thing for several other women.
[...] Is this your first? A dear friend is expecting a child. She and her husband are awaiting their bundle of joy with great hope and [...] [...]
Thank you Nancy. You put into words what I have felt in my heart for years. I lost a child a birth, one at 18 weeks and one at 6weeks. Those are my children just as my living 22 year old son and my 6 year old daughter are. I learned after the loss of my son, at birth, that I had to grieve, I couldn’t have made it without it. We had the funeral which helped in the process and for the most part people let me grieve; though some did say some dumb things. Yes, I too wanted to slap them! Unfortunately, with my other 2 losses so many people didn’t recognize the need to grieve. They didn’t understand, those losses were as great as my son, who I was able to physically hold for the 5 minutes of his short life. They too were dreams that will never be realized here on earth. I know that in heaven they will be seen but for now my arms are still empty. Thank you for your wise words. I hope those who have lost a child will feel free to grieve and those who have not learn to have a greater compassion for those who have. Blessings, Cassie
Nancy, thank you. You speak of something my wife and I have been going through recently. At 3 1/2 weeks we discovered that our children were both a tubal pregnancy. It almost seemed even harder because we still have to give permission to terminate a child. And you try to rationalize it by saying what the dr said “it is only a mater of time before there is a rupture which will not only kill the hild hut put the mother at risk as well.” we learned after the operation that there were two, both of which were in the same tube. If you go to tiilotson.blogspot.com you can read the letter I wrote to Cileste & Xion.
There is one thing missing in your statement though, there are many fathers who go through this pain as well.
My name is Shaun, father of 2 in heaven
I lost my third baby at two months pregnant and while I do sometimes tell strangers of many children I have presently, I have definitely grieved and experienced the loss and healing of that one. One day we say heart beat and the next week I was in labor. Probably the hardest thing I have experienced and it was only afterwards that I had other women begin to speak of the ones they had lost. It amazed me how many women don’t talk about it. It’s a life that may not have lived long but a life nonetheless.
This is very good to see. I have lost two babies before they were born and two years ago lost a daughter of twenty-two. We miss them all. The loss of each miscarriage, of so long ago were very hard at that time, but time does help some of the pain. After reading this it brought back so much and made me realize that how I have felt about losing my beautiful Katheryn is so much the same. I have cried almost everyday since Kat died yet I know they are all in Heaven. Kat was a great christian and was a witness here on earth that brought many to Christ. We would never have known just how many people she had touched in her short life if God had not brought her home.
When we lose a child at any stage of life there are so many things we realize we will never see in their life, those hopes will never be fulfilled. Yet with God’s mercy we can have peace and even joy again in our lives. I know I never have to be concerned again of where they are, or if they are OK, I know they are well loved and cared for in my saviors arms. I will hold them all some day.
I have five grown still living children they are great comfort but they never fill the holes that were left when our three each left this world. Remember those we have lost but do not stop living. They are in the very best place, and we will join them when it is our homecoming.
Thank you so much for writing this it touched my heart.I kept telling myself that it was silly to grieve the loss of my miscarriage for so long and my dog that just past away but God takes our tears and holds them dearly in his hand. He longs for us to be real beyond words and transparent about our heart. Your words have been a blessing to me thank you.
[...] this tragedy. Last night my cousin sent me a blog written by a friend that was amazing. (read it here)I don’t know if Nancy realized the significance of when she posted it or not, but the timing [...]
Wow, touched……I’m going to have to take time, and just be with God, ask Him to speak to me, show me, heal me….
Our stories are somewhat similar. I found out I was pregnant and miscarried the next day. Then I found myself pregnant only 3 months later. That time, when I finally went for my first prenatal appt., the doctor told me that the egg and sperm had connected, but the baby had never continued developing past the point where she/he was when I went in for my appt.
That was hard, but at the time I had been thinking I was in control and was listening to God about where my head was and learning that He was sovereign in family planning, as opposed to me thinking we were. I pushed down any feelings about the baby, and just “went on with life.” I even was light about it with friends, saying it was no big deal because there was nothing there.
I also lost one child by choice, which I grieved for many years, then was blessed to go through recovery and a memorial service for him.
Thank you for showing me an area where I am sure I need to allow the Lord in, and bring more freedom to my soul….
Nancy- I read this again today as I have been thinking about all of the women I have met over the past year. Too this day seeing Max’s name in print touches me. God has truly given you the gift of writing. I love you and am thinking of you today. Thank you. I love you.